Sunday
Feb072010
It's Not You, It's Me. No...It's You.
Elana Roth
I'm one of those non-responders when I get an email from someone on an internet dating site that I'm not interested in. Other friends have differing philosophies on this, mostly that someone at least deserves the courtesy of a "no thanks" if they put themselves out there. They are probably right. After all, I do this when people query me at the agency with their manuscripts. In that framework I absolutely feel like people deserve the courtesy of a response, even if I won't be writing a personalized one in every instance.
And yet, somehow it seems cruel when it comes to online dating. Perhaps because it's more a personal attack, a more superficial judgment of character. That and when I've taken the initiative and sent emails to boys first, I've NEVER gotten a response.
But sometimes I really really really wish I could send notes people after a bad email, or a bad date. And so, I've adapted one of my form rejection letters from my literary agent hat to one that I could theoretically use for boys.
What do you think?
And yet, somehow it seems cruel when it comes to online dating. Perhaps because it's more a personal attack, a more superficial judgment of character. That and when I've taken the initiative and sent emails to boys first, I've NEVER gotten a response.
But sometimes I really really really wish I could send notes people after a bad email, or a bad date. And so, I've adapted one of my form rejection letters from my literary agent hat to one that I could theoretically use for boys.
Dear Man/Boy/Person,
Thank you so much for your interest. Unfortunately I don't feel I'm the appropriate girl to go out with as your personality just isn't right for me.
I'm sure another potential girlfriend will feel differently, and with the vast array of opinions in the dating world, I wish you the best in finding the right partnership.
Thanks again for thinking of me.
All best, Elana
What do you think?
Reader Comments (16)
This is awesome. I think perhaps I'll come up with a similar form rejection to use in my own dating attempts.
I think it would work, except you could say, "My personality wouldn't match with yours."
Dating in the 21st Century. . . can be ugly, though amusing.
I love it and I hate it. I love that it applies so well to both situations, I hate that I got your form letter rejection on my dating book. The Savvy Shrink's Guide to Dating was recently edited by a Iowa WW grad...
Perfect!
I love it and hate it too...it's such a double-edged knife. But...I still don't handle non-fiction...
My apologies then! And I thought I'd done my research... BTW, met my husband on match and it only took 50 dates to find him. Happy Hunting.
If you take this out into the field, please tweet your results. In the interests of research. Yeah, that's it--research.
My mum always said you'll meet the guy you marry through friends or family. It was true, he was from a friends family. And same again with nearly every one of my girlfriends who took the plunge, married someone they were introduced to by friends or fam. Don't know how I'd go back in the dating world now though, tough crowd to please out there. I'd start hitting up family and friends for long lost cousins/nephews to start with, couldn't hurt? And yes if you do use your form please tweet and let us know. (we do need to live vicariously)
thanks funny :)
el.oh.el. It could work.
It's interesting that you bring this up, Elana. I don't use internet dating sites other than to judge the current state of the art in local women, but as I think about what you're saying, I feel I do the same thing.. I'd much rather just let it go than explain why I'm not interested or even STATE that I'm not interested.
Is it a cop-out? Yes.. But at the same time, it's also the humane way to deal with the situation as you allow the other person to run whatever fantasies they can come up with for why you didn't respond. They can make you as much of the villain as they like or they can throw it on the stack of their own low self-esteem and blame themselves. Either way, I'm rid of them. :)
As far as the title, I use that all the time. "It's not you, it's me". The easiest way to get out of something is to take the blame for something that doesn't mean anything to you. I'm afraid to commit. You want more than I can give you. I'm not trying to have kids, blah blah blah.. Whatever you can use to end the situation and have both parties feel as good as possible is FTW!!! :D
Oh man, don't you wish you could? Maybe include a checklist of reasons why it didn't work for you, too?
I wrote a blog about the query process being like dating a little while ago, and this fits right in with my theory. Love it!
- Liz
If I were the guy, I'd prefer the nonresponse.
I deal with the same quandary. (As an online dating person, not an agent.) Mostly I don't respond at all. Much like with query letters, most of these guys haven't done their homework: they are so obviously not well suited for me, of me for them, it is clear they just looked at my picture. The ones who write and say "your sexy, lets have coffee" (their spelling) don't merit the time and energy of a response. The only time I bother is when they have read my profile and taken the time to write a real note that references something I said. Then I'll at least try and come up with a polite way to say "I don't think we're a good match."
It is strange how much the querying process resembles the dating world. Last week when I was waiting for Elaine Spencer to follow up on her "I LOVED this ms!" letter, I found myself thinking it was like when you know when a guy is going to propose, but you can't really allow yourself to believe it until it has actually happened. So you think: just do it and get it over with! *snort*
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