Contemplating Contemplation
Elana RothFor better or worse, I spend a lot of time alone these days. Sometimes I need it. Sometimes I don't. But sometimes I can manage to do that outside the confines of my studio apartment and go see pretty things. Like yesterday, when I took myself to the Met and let myself wander, with no agenda other than to maybe find a room I've never seen before. I was successful.
But while lavishing your eyes with the beautiful scenery, you somehow also begin to really consider your place in the world. And the Met (though I haven't been in a few years) is one of those places I've been taking myself to think for the past 10 years. Which really just makes you remember back to all those other moments you sat there just to think...and what you thought about. In light of the crap that was 2009, and my half-assed determination to make 2010 better, I'm wondering how far I've actually come since then.
Something happened that really highlighted this for me yesterday. While wandering through the American Wing, I passed a guy and his girlfriend. I did a double-take and realized I knew him. It was someone I hadn't seen in 10 years. We were camp counselors together. And kind of friends. I remember he was a nice guy, and nice to me back then. But yesterday he didn't show any signs of mutual recognition so I just kept going. Either I looked very different, or I'm just too good at recognizing people. Or I didn't make enough of an impact back then, or if he just wasn't very good at remembering people. Or it'd just been that long a time after all.
I think the force of the past 10 years kind of hit me then, even just in innocently passing someone who you knew in a past life. The way paths randomly cross with no rhyme or reason, the soft memories that creep up and either make you smile or grimace, and the idea of who you were and who you might have been had you made different choices. And the idea that a lot of things can happen, but that doesn't mean things actually change all that much.
I'm wistful to say the least. And that's pretty much all I got.
Reader Comments (9)
Wistfulness is going around.
What about the GOOD behind that force? All that you've accomplished? Who you've become since you knew that guy?
I love doing things alone (even going to the movies, which horrifies my sister) for this exact reason: I reflect on what I see far more than when I'm with someone else. Maybe it's because I notice more, maybe it's because I'm forced to "talk" to myself instead of with someone else. Either way, it's a different experience! In a good way. Good for you for taking advantage.
I've been going through some of that, myself. I wish I had the MET to wander through. That is totally my kind of place for contemplation. I miss civilization...
Yeah...you think maybe this phase is why neither of us are getting any sleep?
I'm generally pleased with the idea that humans try to make everything meaningful all the time. But on occasion, when it's just not in the cards, I'm also pleased by just sitting down.
It's true. But the curse of being a thinker is that it's hard to stop thinking...
I don't know, does everything have to have meaning? Can't some things just be. I can feel lonely in a full room, fall in love with a stranger, dream about a bright future, and beat myself up about what happened yesterday, all before the stubbie has reached my lips. Thinking doesn't have to be a curse, it can be a melody, and it creates. It's fuel for the law of attraction (that's almost a cliche). Happy New Year. Happier New year! I can help you sleep.
Funny, it IS going around. I guess that's what this time of year does.
When I was a grad student, living alone in the Bronx with my little girl (she was three) I took weekly trips to the Met. Just to make all the overwhelming things seem ordinary in comparison to the greatness there. I remember one time she was REALLY hungry and I was REALLY broke. I bought her some fancy soup in the "cafeteria". I paid with an already overextended credit card. It was worth it.
This was a beautiful post Elana. Just lovely. I blogged something similar on Saturday: http://suzyhayze.blogspot.com/2010/01/im-small.html
lovely post.